Close, Closer, Apart
by Jack meets Eric
Summary: [FINISHED!] Jack is going through a rough time because Rachel broke up with him, so both Eric and Jack have to deal with that situation and a whole lot more. [Reading and reviews still very much appreciated!]
1. Close Part I

**TITLE:** Close, Closer, Apart  
**AUTHORS:** Magican  
**RATING:** PG-13 (slashy, dark themes, language)  
**SUMMARY:** Jack is going through a rough time because Rachel broke up with him, so both Eric and Jack have to deal with that situation - and a whole lot more.  
**SETTING:** AU, later seasons, slightly out of character- Jack and Eric live together in an apartment in a small city, studying at different universities in the surrounding area. The rest of the gang is living within driving range, with Cory and Topanga being happily married and Shawn and Angela in an unstable relationship.  
**FEEDBACK:** I have to admit it. I do not own Boy Meets World (didn't Disney have that luck?) nor am I in any way associated with the show in real life. But in my fantasies – now that's a whole different story…  
**NOTE:** Please be gentle and constructive with the criticism… No flamings, okay? I know my grammar isn't the best out there. On the other hand, I can take some harsh words. Now and then. ;)

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**1. Close**

Eric was already hanging on the couch when Jack entered the living area. Jack, still half asleep, with swollen eyes and a pounding head, walked over to the bar and opened the fridge. Eric flipped channels every two seconds, until he accidentally encountered a documentary about birds. The fluffy yellow ducks caught his immediate attention, and Jack knew trying to start a conversation right now was quite pointless. He sighed.

"Good morning," he started, forcefully cheerful - hoping for the best.

"Hmmm," Eric replied with a faint smile, never turning his eyes away from the screen.

That was more than he'd expected, but still. He felt awful. He needed someone.

Jack sighed again and decided to try to lure Eric away from the ducks with his second favorite thing: food. He took out some eggs, closed the fridge and noisily took a frying pan out of the cupboard.

No response.

Only when Jack put some butter in the pan and the smell of warm butter started to spread throughout the room, Eric finally gained consciousness and turned around on the couch to see what Jack was doing. His smile returned as he saw frying pan, and the eggs lying on the kitchen table. It worked.

"Hey, g'morning bud!" Happy and bouncy as ever, Eric jumped off the couch and quickly approached the small kitchenette. "How'd you sleep tonight? … Did you sleep at all?" He patted Jack on the shoulder, then reached for some slices of bread.

So, he hadn't forgot after all. Last night, Jack had had the strong impression Eric wasn't listening to him at all, as he had still been full of the Disney movie they went to before Jack broke the bad news. Eric had persisted on going to that particular movie, while Jack really wasn't in the mood to do anything at all, after what happened earlier on the day. But, as always, Eric had talked him round and they went. He actually had had some fun after all, but coming home had plunged him right back into his depression. And Eric not being the slightest bit supportive made him feel even worse.

"Not too well, actually," Jack replied as he tried to keep his eyes focused on the melting butter. But despite his effort, his sight got blurred and tears started to burn behind his eyes. The nightmares kept dancing around in his head, as well as the real break-up. It just was too much.

Eric turned around at hearing Jack's broken voice, and saw his best friend fighting against his tears. He doubted just for a second over a playful reaction, but then decided to be more supportive than he had been last night, and reached out for Jack's arm. To his surprise, Jack immediately turned to him and hugged him tighter than he had ever done before. He softly sobbed into Eric's blue sweater, his shoulders shocking with every gasp. He clasped him, and Eric simply folded him arms around Jack's back. Just holding him. Comforting him.

It seemed like hours before Jack finally let out a few shaky sighs and let go of Eric. He hesitantly took a step back with a blushing face.

"I- I'm sorry for that," he started to apologize, eyes to the floor. 'It wasn't… I'm just-"

"You are very upset and I understand completely," Eric said softly. Jack looked up at him with a look of surprise – Eric had never sounded so seriously in all this time they were friends.

"Eric, man, I-"

"You needed a friend, and I wasn't there," Eric continued, unusually self aware. "I was being such a jerk last night, rattling on about some stupid kid's movie while my best bud was ready to throw himself in front of a train… I should have held you _last night_, not this morning. I'm a worthless friend. I don't even earn to be called a friend." Now tears started to form behind his eyes too.

Jack started to protest. "No, Eric, listen, you can't possibly be a worth-"

But before he could finish his sentence, Eric's face broke into his usual grin. Jack immediately felt his own mood rise two levels. He produced a faint grin as well, and quickly wiped his eyes, knowing things were settled.

"Look at us, whining like some eight-year olds," Eric laughed. "You shouldn't be so upset over a girl that's obviously not worth it. She dumped you? Too bad for her. Right, bud?" he playfully slapped Jack on the back and turned to his breakfast.

Jack could see the logic behind that, but that didn't stop his heart from aching. He couldn't just not think about it, like turning off a switch or something. He really thought that for once, he had had a good thing going on in his life – he just knew he would have loved that girl for ever. She made him feel like he was worth something, and every time they met, he just felt that spark. Well, actually flame was more of the right definition. And then, she broke his heart. Then, Rachel broke his heart.

"Yeah, guess you're right. I'll get over her soon enough," Jack mumbled to Eric's back. He was not convinced at all, but Eric's support and brighter look on things did lift his spirit some. Maybe he was going to live through it after all.

Then, a penetrating smell caught his attention, and he saw that the butter in the pan turned into an ugly, distasteful brownish mess. He let out a cry of surprise. The flames underneath the pan already started to lick the butter-mess, so Jack kind of panicked. Eric turned around and bursted into laugh over what he saw, but Jack didn't find it that funny. What if the whole apartment burned down?

Further more, it stinked to high heaven, and so he hurried to put out the gas and flush the pan with some hot water, while Eric – still laughing - ran to open the only window the apartment had. He tried to lead the thickening, black smoke out of the room - without much success by the way. Then he returned to the kitchenette to help Jack clean up the mess in the sink.

It took almost an hour before the air had totally cleared, but the two men were still coughing and waving with their hands to eliminate the last imaginary clouds.

"I begin to think this smell will never ever leave this room again," Eric said, his laugh getting stuck in a cough. "Man, in the future, when you have a mental breakdown, make sure you haven't got any cuisine projects going on at the same time!"

"I will remember," Jack finally laughed. Strangely enough, the whole thing had actually cheered him up a bit. And the accident wasn't as bad as he first thought. No flaming pans, no black ceiling, no burned-down apartment. Yeah, he'd live.


	2. Close Part II

That night, after school, they mutually decided to stay home, order pizza and watch some TV – partly because Jack obviously didn't feel like going out at all, and partly because Eric still felt a bit guilty about what happened the other night.

"So, two Thundering Thursday pizza's with extra cheese. Yes, that'll be it," Eric finished the conversation with the delivery service. "Yes, hmm-hmm. Thanks, bye."

He hung up, took a short sprint, jumped over the back of the couch and landed right next to Jack. Jack noticed the couch squeaking clearly. Maybe they ought to get a new one. It was an old couch, all worn-out. Actually, it had been Rachel's old worn-out couch. Sigh.

His mind was going in circles all day now, every single thought ending up with Rachel. It hurt, so badly. Everyone he ran into, every place he went – it all reminded him of Rachel. Of what they had. Of what didn't have anymore. Of what could still have been.

"Kay bud, you heard – maximized decent yummy food is on the way!" Eric exclaimed impatiently, poking Jack with his left hand while reaching for the remote with his right. Jack didn't respond at all, still lost in his thoughts.

Eric looked back at Jack. He put the remote down with a sigh and turned to his friend. He snapped his fingers in front of Jack's face, who was noticeably startled by the sound.

"Jack, snap out of it! She's - gone," he articulated. "Rachel – is – gone. It's over, man. Over. Get yourself together. Being all down and depressed isn't gonna help. Now be happy, pizza's on the way."

Jack felt just a tiny little spark of angriness underneath his calm surface, but it was enough - tonight. He couldn't help himself. His tone build up in aggravation as he spoke.

"Dammit, Eric, listen. I don't mean to be harsh right now, but my girlfriend just broke up with me. Actually, I do mean to be harsh. You deserved it. She - _dumped_ - me! That hurts. A lot. Okay? Just because you have never been in a situation like this, doesn't mean that you couldn't be a little more understanding! What is it with you ANYWAY?" He almost screamed the last words in Eric's face.

Eric just sat on the couch in awe, gazing at him. Somehow, that really irritated Jack. Why did he always act so… so _dumb_? Like he was some kind of retard? Jack knew he wasn't, by far. Then, why pretend?

Unintentionally, his voice grew stronger and angrier by the minute, piling all his frustration in his mind and into his words. He felt like blurting it all out to the first person around - and that person happened to be Eric.

"You know what? I'm don't feel like talking to you right now. You don't seem to understand - maybe you don't want to, maybe you can't - and you probably never will too. Heck, why should you? I'm just the guy you share your friends, apartment and half your life with! Why should you bother? You really are a WORTHLESS FRIEND!"

He regretted the words as soon as they ran out of his mouth, but he couldn't take them back anymore. He got off the couch and stormed into their mutual bedroom. He slammed the door with a shuddering blast and crashed down on his bed.

Why? Why did he say those things? Why did he act this way? He had never gotten into such a severe fight with Eric before. It almost hurt him more than breaking up with Rachel. It confused him.

He didn't want to feel anymore. He couldn't take it.

Jack's heart was torn apart, as he cried into his pillow.


	3. Close Part III

For the second time in two days, Eric felt guilty. But this time, he was angry too. More angry than guilty, actually. And very upset. Jack had insulted him – maybe without true intent, but still. Eric did had some girlfriends in the past, and he _did_ know what a break-up was.

Although he knew he seemed like a spontaneous, open guy to his friends, he didn't always tell all of his secrets to them. Not to his brother, not even to Jack.

There had been a few girls. And some of them had broken his heart too, but no one knew about that. He had always carefully avoided contact between his girlfriends and his best friends, because he was afraid they'd disapprove. He knew how unsympathetic they could be against strangers potentially entering their close group, and on top of that, Eric also knew they would never take any of his relationships with girls seriously. So he just didn't tell them and smiled his way through the painful heartaches.

So Jack's remarks had been misplaced, although he didn't know it. And even though Eric realized Jack couldn't possibly know how wrong he was saying what he did, he still felt angry and misunderstood.

But one of the things that made Eric Matthews so easy to live with, was his ability to imagine how others felt. Plus, he could seldom stay angry for a long period of time. Forgiveness was a keyword in his life. Especially when he was mad at Jack. He just had that thing over him, that made him so… so _easy_ to make up with.

Maybe- maybe he should just show Jack that he was wrong, and help him get through this. Eric knew how hard it was. He clearly saw how Jack was very upset and hurt. And after all, they were best buds. They should help each other. Always. They had a pact, and he was certainly _not_ going to be the one to break it.

Eventually, understanding and guilt drove him off the couch too, and he quietly walked to the closed bedroom door. He heard Jack sobbing softly, and it broke his heart. Why was he being such a jerk these last few days? Jack was right. He was a useless friend. He should have told him a long time ago about his true life. That way, he could have been there for him now. It didn't have to be this complicated…

Eric knocked three times, then gently opened the door, as not to alarm Jack. He quietly walked over to his bed and sat down at the foot end. Jack, all curled up, his back to Eric, didn't react to the shift of weight on the bed.

Eric coughed and mumbled. "Jack."

No response, no movement. Only a few soft sobs into the pillow.

Eric raised his voice a little. "Jack, I- I'm sorry, bud. Again. I don't know why I'm such an asshole these last few days. I understand you're mad at me right now, but could you please listen?"

Eric could see that Jack's head turned slightly, but he still wasn't facing him.

"Look, I know this doesn't make you feel better, but you're not the only one who has gone through this."

Eric hesitantly reached out an insecure hand to touch Jack's back. His friend grunted. Eric could see his hands grasping the pillow tighter and his back tensing up. He pulled back his hand fast and hurried to continue.

"You see… First you gotta know - it's not that I don't trust you guys. But there are just some things I haven't told you. Yet." This wasn't going too bad. If only he could keep his voice steady enough.

Now Jack did turn around on the bed. He looked terrible. His eyes were all swollen up, red and bewildered. His hear was a complete mess and his face was wet with tears.

"What d'you mean? What are you keeping from me _this time_?"

His voice still sounded irritated, but the anger Eric had feared to hear had disappeared from it. Eric moved a bit closer to Jack, implying that this was serious talk. He didn't dare to look him in the eye. He knew keeping this from his friends for so long had been wrong, but he was just _so_ afraid of their disapproval.

"Well…"

"Well?" Jack slowly sat up and studied Eric's face. He could see the man was struggling with what he was about to tell him, and he got a little… curious.

"I've had a girlfriend. Several, actually. _Serious_ girlfriends. The past year."

Wow. That was not what Jack had expected.

Jack just gaped at Eric, not knowing what to say. Thoughts were grinding through his head. Was he supposed to be mad at him, for not sharing this? What was he afraid of? Because that was clearly his main feeling at the moment. He had never seen Eric this down, and this terrified. Why was he ashamed of dating some girls? Why hadn't he told them?

"Whu-what? Why didn't you tell me? Were they… were they _strange_ or something? Do you have some kind of fetish I don't know about?" Jack stuttered, poking Eric halfheartedly, trying to be light about with a casual joke.

"No, no, it's not that - it's not… I'm not… I'm afraid you-"

Jack saw his friend choked as tears started to well up in his eyes. Shit. This sure was deep stuff. He shoved up a bit, and lay his hand on Eric's arm. His anger and frustration had completely vanished by now. He wanted to make up, to make things right again between them. This felt so… _wrong_.

"C'mon man, forget about our fight. We're best buddies, remember? I was angry, you were acting a bit sheepishly. No big deal. It's over with. Now, please tell me what you're afraid of. I can see this is going deep… Why should some girls bother you?"

Eric drew a deep breath, and looked Jack in the eye for the first time since he had entered the room. The emotions in them startled Jack.

"I was afraid you would all disapprove… That you wouldn't take me seriously, because – well, because I'm always playing the fool. Eric Matthews and girls, a complete disaster. Guaranteed fun. The guy who is always making everything look like a joke. The dumbass."

Jack started to shook his head in denial, although he knew how right Eric was. He wanted to stop him from talking, because he knew what was coming now – but he couldn't. The hurt in Eric's eyes, his need to let it all out, held him back.

"Oh yes," Eric continued, a bitter tone starting to creep into his voice. "I know how you all see me. I know that it's maybe partly also my own fault, that I kinda let myself get pushed into that role, but I am _not_-" He paused, and took another deep breath. The harsh tone died away as he talked on.

"Look. I know I may not always seem very bright, and I certainly don't even imagine that I am - but I'm also just a man, like everybody else. I need to love… _be loved_, too, you know. And I didn't want to think of what would happen when I came to you guys and introduced Kim, or Samantha, or Alicia… I'm sure you would have laughed at me and told me to get real-"

Eric faltered. After a moment, he got himself together and continued. The sentences became shorter and he sounded wrecked. Eric's eyes let go of Jack's and lowered to the ground, unwilling to show the film of tears appearing over them.

"It was pretty intense. The break-ups were pretty hard on me. I- I had no one to share it with. The pain… I know it hurts, you know. I know all - about it." He finally broke down, crying silently. Jack's hand still rested on Eric's arm, but he felt uncomfortable in that position. He didn't deserve to be here.

Feelings of guilt overwhelmed him. Now he knew why the man had changed moods so swiftly over the past year. Weeks of delight were being followed by weeks of depression, when Eric obviously was feeling very down and upset. Jack knew Eric thought he hadn't noticed it, but he had seen how his friend had sometimes desperately clutched his pillow at night, mumbling names; walking around like a zombie during the daytime, trying to cheer everyone up but himself. He had never asked what it was all about, and to be honest, most of the time it had already slipped his mind before he could give it much more thought. He had never really thought of a reason. He never even thought of 'depression' and 'Eric' in the same sentence.

Now he knew. This was why.

And worst of all - it was all their own fault. Unconsciously, they had always given Eric the false impression that he was stupid, someone to laugh over, assuming that he didn't mind. They rarely had given him compliments on something he had succeeded in. Actually, they hadn't paid much attention to his accomplishments at all. And in the mean time, his self-esteem had gone down like a falling rock, starting to distrust all of his friends, feeling abandoned and alone.

Jack felt like especially _he_ had failed Eric the most; he was supposed to be his best friend, supporting him, knowing him through and through. He had thought he did. He had failed.

Eric had suffered all this time, all alone, while Jack was being an tactless asshole, whining over his one – and _only_ – real break-up. How pathetic. How utterly sad. His heart bled for Eric.

"I am so, _so_ sorry, Eric," Jack whispered. "I don't know how we can ever make it up to you. We- _I_ never meant to make you feel like this – you must have gone through hell-" He started to withdraw his hand from Eric's arm, because he felt he no longer had the right to even touch his friend after what he had put him through.

But this time it was Eric who surprised Jack by suddenly throwing his arms around him and holding onto him for dear life. He sobbed into his sweater, like Jack had done the night before. The only thing Jack could think of was wrapping his arms around Eric and holding him in the tightest embrace ever. He slowly rubbed his friend's back and whispered 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry', over and over again, his lips nearly touching Eric's ear. Finally, after what seemed like a moment and centuries at the same time, he felt the tension in both their bodies subside and heard how Eric slowly stopped crying.

Eric didn't let go, and neither did Jack. Their bodies created a warm blanket around them, which felt very secure. They both needed this; the comfort and safety of friendship. Their mutual breathing rhythm calmed them down. It felt right.

They still sat there like that, when suddenly the doorbell rang.

Eric abruptly let go of Jack. He just sat there on the bed for a short moment, looking into his eyes, smiling a brilliant Eric-smile. There was just a hint of the previous pain left in his eyes, and that relieved Jack more than words could have ever done.

Then Eric turned around and called 'Pizza! Coming!' into the air. He quickly wiped his eyes, jumped off the bed, then leaping to the bedroom door, leaving Jack in amazement.

Jack, on his turn, couldn't help but grin. He slowly rose from the bed too, calmly straightening the sheets and his clothes. He saw how Eric took the pizza's from the delivery girl and fumbled with the money while heading towards the bathroom to refresh himself. The smell of food made his stomach grumble, but he took the time to re-do his hair and wash his face. He felt better.


	4. Closer Part I

2. Closer

Not a word was being spoken while eating pizza and watching an old re-run of 'Full House' on the couch. Neither one of them felt much like talking – not because they were still uncomfortable around each other, but just because it was not necessary to talk. Only some occasional laughter broke the silence between them now and then.

When the end-tune of the series started to blare out of the speakers, Eric turned off the TV and put down the remote.

He was always in charge of the remote, Jack thought with a smile. It was such an typical Eric thing, but he had never really noticed it. Strange, actually, how after so many years, it was only this moment when he started to become truly aware of the habits and manners of his best friend. The way he laughed, that sound that lit up the room; the way he could, with all his attention, be completely focused on something; his enthusiasm and energy. All the things he had taken for granted, now seemed like valuable treasures to him – because he felt like had almost lost Eric, and all those things with him.

Then, Eric put down the remote and finally broke the silence.

"Jack – can I ask you something? Something personal?" It sounded cautiously, with Eric wearing a pensive look on his face, eyes on Jack.

Please. No more confessions, please… Jack thought with growing fear. He slightly shifted his weight on the couch, trying to find a comfortable position. It didn't work.

"Sure, bud. What is it?" he replied though, trying to keep his tone light-hearted, a fake grin plastered onto his face.

"It's about Rachel." Uncomfortable silence. "Don't mean to be rude man, but uhm… Why did she break up with you, anyway? I tried to come up with a good reason, but you – you were seem to be doing great lately…" His voice died away, uncertain of how Jack would react to this.

Jack on the other hand sat in amazement for a moment. How strange... He hadn't thought of Rachel all evening, since he had made up with Eric earlier on. He hadn't even felt the pain of their break-up anymore, till Eric mentioned it again. And even then, it seemed like it wasn't that important anymore. His heart had almost stopped aching over it, it was merely a sore spot on his heart. And it was only two days ago.

What had happened to him? What had changed so fast?

"Jack? I'm sorry bud, I- I shouldn't have asked. Forget it about it, okay?" Eric hastily tried to take his words back. He picked up the remote again and fumbled with it, not daring to look at his friend anymore.

Eric obviously had mistaken Jack's brooding silence for another round of rage building up inside of him, him getting geared up for another fight. Eric seemed to finally realize it was a sensitive subject – or at least, it had been until this night. Jack smiled to himself, feeling just a bit sorry for Eric, and decided to take him out of his misery.

"Why she broke up with me?" To his surprise, Jack still found it a little hard to try and talk about his break-up, although no longer because of that particular girl that had dumped him. It just… dented his pride, in some way.

Eric lifted his head and let out an almost inaudible sigh of relief because Jack hadn't flinched over his question.

"It's just… She said… She thought I was in love with someone else. She said that she could see it in my eyes, the way I behaved when we were together, when we kissed, when we- Anyway, she was absolutely convinced I didn't love her anymore."

Eric just nodded, waiting for the rest.

"She actually put it something like this: 'I know you would never cheat on me or anything, because you're not that type of guy, but I do feel like you've done exactly that.' I didn't understand what she meant by that, but she wouldn't explain it any further. She- she actually stayed very calm and cool, just a few tears - and then she said it was over. Just like that."

"Okay," Eric said, finally. "And… did you deny it? Or is it true? Is there another girl?"

"No!" Jack exclaimed. "That's the whole point! I told Rachel over and over again that I loved her - and only her - but she just wouldn't listen! She kept saying she knew there was more, and that she knew when she had to step back. I told her that in general, most people know their own feelings pretty well, but she… she just would not believe me. She didn't believe me…"

Although he didn't want to, Jack started to get upset again over the incident. Tears already started to burn behind his eyes again, and he desperately tried to push them back. He had thought it was over.

Well, think again, Hunter.


	5. Closer Part II

Eric saw how his friend was still struggling with the break-up, and had happily ran himself into a tree - if there had been any in their apartment - for bringing it all up again.

He instinctively felt that Jack had assumed he had passed the worst, and now things hit him harder than before. Eric should probably tell him that this was normal, that this was a just phase, a thing that would fade and leave only small scars if given proper time. He could see Jack wanted this all to be over so badly, but it just couldn't be.

But what Eric didn't know, was that it ran much deeper than that.

The feeling of being rejected that Jack had gone through at that moment of the break-up, had also brought back the heartbreaking memories of his childhood. He had managed to shut those feelings out since that night with Rachel. But as all the tension and frustration of the past two days poured out over him, they started to surface once again. The fear, the distrust, the frustration, the rejection by the people he loved and his humiliation over and over again… He couldn't suppress it anymore and it overwhelmed him. The thick, black darkness that still haunted the eight-year-old inside of him, had him there. In his might. It pinned him down and laughed. Spat him in the face. Beat him up until he felt no more. Told him that he was useless, a nobody. A rat. Dirt.

It was all too much, too much pain in too little time. So Jack escaped.

Eric saw the light in Jack's eyes go out like a candle in the wind. One minute it was there; the next, it had gone. Just like that. Before Eric could grasp what was going on, Jack had leaped over to the front door and disappeared into the night.

"Jack! JACK!" Eric screamed as he jumped up and ran up to the open door. "Jack! What happened? No! Wait! Come back here! JACK!"

He needed less than a second to decide to go after his best friend. Without a jacket, wallet or keys, Eric slammed the door behind him, crossed the hallway in two huge leaps, stumbled and fell his way down the stairs and ran outside, into the pouring rain.

He frantically searched for a sign that Jack was still around. He couldn't possibly be far away. Right? He continued to call Jack's name, while looking to his front. To his left, down the street. Right. Left again. Right once more. Front.

No Jack.

Eric estimated he had been wondering outside for almost five hours now. It had to be around three in the morning. The raining hadn't stopped pouring all the time he had been out here, so Eric was soaking wet and cold. His voice was hoarse, his eyes swollen; he didn't feel his feet nor his fingers; he was shivering and stumbling more that walking - but he didn't give up. He just knew that if he stopped looking for Jack now, things would end up with something really, really bad – so bad, he didn't dare to think of it.

So he continued to scream and run. "Jack! JACK! Where are you! Jack…" His voiced drowned in his own tears. He was exhausted, desperate. He had seen the darkness in Jack's eyes.

He had searched all the usual hangouts. Then parks, clubs, supermarkets, cinema, every corner of the neighborhood of which he knew it existed. It appeared as if Jack had vanished from the earth surface. Panic raged through Eric's frozen body.

A faint sound in the far, far distance woke Eric from his daze. Suddenly he knew where to look. He started to run. Run for his life.

Run for Jack's life.


	6. Closer Part III

The station seemed terrifyingly empty and silent from a distance. Only a weak tune was playing in the air. Was he too late?

Eric was panting and cramps in his legs almost made him trip over his own feet five times, but he didn't stop running. Every second counted. Fear drove him further down the street.

As he ran up the stairs, he desperately searched the platform for the shape of a man in the darkness of the night. But the tears and the rain blurred his vision, so he screamed with his last breath, hoping that he would hear him.

"JACK! Don't- I'm here! Please don't do anything stupid, Jack! It's not… worth it!" He panted loudly. "I- I need you…" The last words were no more than a breathless whisper.

Suddenly, Eric heard a dim sound coming from somewhere near him, and he frantically looked where it came from. The station was still empty at both sides, and so where the stairs. The track… the track!

Eric stumbled over to the edge and jumped recklessly onto the railroad track. He almost slipped on the mushy wood, that was completely drenched by the rain and covered with mold. He wildly waved his arms around to keep his balance, then looked up.

And there he was.

_Jack_. Sitting on his heels on the middle of the track, head on his knees, arms wrapped around himself, wildly rocking back and forth. The sound Eric had heard were the confused sobs he let out now and then, while in the mean time he mumbled unclear words to himself. Eric drew in a deep shuddering breath, and whispered in horror as he saw his best friend sitting there.

"Oh Jack… Oh Jack, what are you doing… What _happened _to you…?"

He looked so frail, so _defeated_. Like he had given up on life. Eric staggered over to him in disbelief and terror. He squatted down beside him, putting an arm around Jack's shoulders, trying to calm his rocking movement. He attempted to look his friend in the eyes.

"Jack, do you hear me? You have to get out of here. I have to get you out of here. You don't want to die. You won't die. I won't let you… Please, Jack…" Eric spoke softly to him. Jack didn't react at all. Eric grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him desperately. He felt Jack was trembling all over his body.

A very faint sound started to emerge from the dark horizon. It worried him.

"JACK! Listen – to – me! You need to get out of here! The train will pass by any minute! It will kill you! You hear me? You will die! And I can't afford to let you die, Jack. Not now. Not when I need to make up for so much… I won't let you kill yourself! Not when I can something about it."

He forcefully lifted Jack's chin until his eyes where at the same level with Eric's. His shaky voice got more determined when he still got no sign of recognition. "Get up, Jack! I need you to get up, or that train will come and crush us both. And I don't feel like dying yet, okay? Not by a long shot. So, get up, Jack." No response. "Get – up – NOW!"

He roughly grabbed his friend's arms and forced him up with a strong tug. Jack suddenly winced and screamed an agonizing, wordless scream. He threw Eric's hands off of him, and looked at him with a bewildered look in his eyes, which showed the deepest, most frightening fear that Eric had ever seen. It ripped his heart.

And at that point he just knew that this was all about his pain, that had never gone away. About his father. He looked like a little child, soaking wet, standing there so extremely vulnerable and fragile, shoulders down, hands protectively in front of his face.

Eric got himself together after the initial shock quickly. He knew he had to act fast, or it would be too late to get his friend back. He felt him drifting away from reality with every moment he hesitated. He slowly took a step into his friend's direction.

"Jack! It's me – Eric…" he whispered. "It's just me. Everything's fine. I'm here. I won't hurt you. I never will. It's fine. All fine." He intuitively spoke in short sentences, hoping that Jack would pick up something that would get through to his real self. Jack hastily took a step back and cried out another, weaker, scream of torment.

"Sshhh… I will take you home. Home, Jack. Where no one will hurt you. I'll take care of you. I need you to come back to me now, Jack. The train is coming. Jack… _Home_." Eric reached out a trembling hand.

Just a small glimpse of recognition flashed in Jack's eyes. "Er- Eric?" His voice sounded like that of a small child - a child in pain.

"Eric…? Is- is that you?" He lowered his hands from his face to his chest and clasped his own shirt spasmodically. His eyes seemed like enormous black pools of bewilderment and pain, as far as Eric could see through the darkness and rain.

Eric took another step in his direction, and this time, Jack stood still. Eric's hand touched Jack's hands, which still had a tight grip on his shirt. They felt frozen. The faint sound slowly became clearer. The tracks started to tremble just the tiniest bit, but it almost made Eric panic. He started to speak a little faster.

"Yes, this is me. Eric. I'm here. Jack, I need you to-" Jack moaned. Then, unexpectedly, let go of his shirt, clutched Eric's shoulders and embraced him with all his might. He starting crying with a heartbreaking sound, whispering Eric's name over and over again.

"Eric… Eric… I- I'm so scared… He hurt me so much, Eric… I- I don't want this anymore…"

Eric's first reaction was to hold his friend, simply forming the comfort and safety he needed so bad right now. He shushed him, and ran his fingers softly through Jack's wet hair.

In the mean time, the rattling sound was getting louder and louder and coming closer and closer.

Then, Eric realized that they were still standing on the railroad track, and that the rattling sound came from the approaching train - now only instants away. The headlights almost blinded him when he looked aside in terror. He screamed.

"JACK! Get out of here! RUN!" He violently shoved Jack off the track while throwing himself aside as well. Somehow, he managed to land on his hands and knees and dragged Jack to the high concrete platform before them. They both instinctively struggled to climb up the platform, while the noise of the advancing train was reaching an almost deafening level. Eric was the first one to pull himself over the slippery edge, and hauled Jack over as well with all the strength he had left.

Just half a second later, the train raged along the station.


	7. Apart Part I

3. Apart

Eric's heart was racing out of control, realizing that he had almost lost his friend's, as well as his own life. Still in a panicking state, he dragged Jack further away from the railroad track in short jerks, while the train was still passing through. Once he felt they were completely safe, he just couldn't collect the strength to sit up, and collapsed on top of his friend.

Eric knew he had to try to calm down. He felt like he was going to have a heart-attack any minute. He started to count the beats per minute, but lost track of the number because his heart hammered too fast. He gave up, and his mind went blank. He just lay there. Feeling the rain falling down on him.

After the never-ending train had passed, the adrenaline in his body had also slowly disappeared. All there was left, was his numb body. And Jack's.

"Jack?" he whispered, almost impossible to hear.

This must sound like some corny scene from 'Titanic', Eric sneered to himself. And that made him? Rose Dewitt Bukater? Unwillingly, he chuckled over the absurdity of his thoughts, and the whole situation.

"What's there to laugh about?" Jack suddenly murmured from beneath him. Eric moved himself just enough to look him in the eyes. They were surprisingly clear and caught Eric in a deep stare, which made him very aware of his body still resting on top of Jack's.

"Thank you," was all he could manage to whisper, eyes still fixed into Jack's gaze. "Thank you… for not giving up on-"

All of a sudden, Jack raised his head from the floor and kissed Eric on his lips. Their lips never stopped touching, as they locked themselves in a deeper, more passionate kiss. Jack's hand grabbed the back of Eric's neck and pulled him in even deeper. It was a hard and desperate kiss, born out of fear and relief at the same time, out of need for love and forgiveness. It was a bittersweet sensation, and they lost themselves in it completely.

After what seemed like an eternity, Jack slowly pulled back from their kiss. Eyes still closed, he lay his head down on the wet concrete and breathed in small white clouds of freezing air. It had stopped raining. Neither one of them said a word.

With the passion and heat of the moment vanishing into the night, Eric suddenly realized how cold it was, and that Jack's body wasn't giving of any warmth at all. Besides that, he could feel it shivering underneath him. Eric got up worried, and saw how Jack instinctively curled himself into a small human ball, shaking heavier and heavier. He hunkered down beside him and called his name. He didn't respond. Eric could vaguely see in the dim light of the station that Jack's face had turned ash gray.

No. Not again. Not after he brought him back…

The image of Jack lying there like that, paralyzed Eric. He was going to die like this. His thoughts panicked, and all sorts of irrelevant information was going through his head. He didn't know what to do, where to go. He desperately looked from Jack to the station, and back. There was nobody to help them.

Then he noticed a phone booth at the end of the platform. Doubt overtook him – should he leave Jack alone and try to call for help, or should he try to keep him warm and wait for someone to pass by? He realized the latter wasn't a very realistic option at this time of the night, but the thought of leaving Jack like this, dying from the cold while he wasn't there, frightened him. But in the end, his mind won from his heart.

He kissed Jack on his forehead and gently squeezed his hand. "Jack, hang in there buddy. I'm not letting you die now, okay? You hear me?" he whispered with a hoarse voice. Then, he got up and ran across the station to the phone booth.

The door was stuck because of the cold. Eric let out a cry of frustration and had to kick the booth three times before it finally opened. His hands were shaking uncontrollably, as he tried to dial the emergency number. It took him four shots before his fingers eventually dialed '9-1-1', as he anxiously looked aside over and over again to see if Jack was still lying on the concrete - although he knew he couldn't even move if he wanted to.

A calm woman's voice answered at the other side of the line, but Eric didn't even hear what she was saying. All he could manage to say was 'Railroad Station, Weststreet. It's so cold… My friend is dying. An ambulance. Help, please help…" He dropped the phone after that, and ran back to Jack, still curled up on the floor. He wasn't even shaking anymore.

Tears were streaming down Eric's face as he sat down beside him, and carefully pulled Jack up into something that looked like an upright position. He made sure only his friend's legs were touching the icy concrete, as he shifted the rest of the weight of Jack's stiff body onto his own and wrapped his arms around him, in an attempt to keep him warm. He started rocking both their bodies and pressed himself even closer to Jack's. It felt like holding an ice-sculpture. Jack only breathed in very small clouds now, barely visible in the clear, dark air.

They sat there for probably ten minutes, before an ambulance arrived. Things suddenly happened very fast and all at the same time. Two men carefully, but firmly, lifted Jack's body from Eric's arms, lay him onto a stretcher, packed him in foolscap and blankets and loaded him into the ambulance. In the meantime, another person, a woman, softly but persistently pulled a numb Eric onto his own feet and wrapped him in blankets as well. She sat him down next to her inside the ambulance, talking to him constantly, but Eric heard nothing but a continuous buzz in his ear while he never let his eyes of Jack.

He occasionally caught some words like 'shock', 'hypothermic', 'critical' and 'probably suicide', but it were just separate words without meaning to him. He couldn't make sense of what the men were saying to each other - the words just didn't form coherent sentences in his thoughts. He noticed that the doctors were asking him questions by the tone of their voice, but he couldn't figure out what they meant. The world was starting to blur all into one big confusing whirl.

And all the way from the station down to the hospital, the same song repeated over and over again in his head. After a while, he realized it was the last song the station radio had been playing before the ambulance people had taken them away. He had never heard it before, but he could remember every single word as if the lyrics were somehow engraved in his mind.

_In my hands _

_A legacy of memories_

_I can hear you say my name_

_I can almost see your smile_

_Feel the warmth of your embrace_

_But there is nothing but silence now_

_Around the one I loved_

_Is this our farewell?_

_Sweet darling, you worry too much, my child_

_See the sadness in your eyes_

_You are not alone in life_

_Although you might think that you are_

_  
Never thought_

_This day would come so soon_

_We had no time to say goodbye_

_How can the world just carry on?_

_I feel so lost when you are not by my side_

_But there's nothing but silence now_

_Around the one I loved_

_Is this our farewell?_

_  
So sorry your world is tumbling down_

_I will watch you through these nights_

_Rest your head and go to sleep_

_Because my child, this is not our farewell_

_This is not our farewell_


	8. Apart Part II

He couldn't remember much from the ride to the hospital, or when the doctors softly guided him to his room, or the moment they asked him for Cory's number. He couldn't remember falling asleep, or when he finally woke up the next day. All he knew is that he was lying in a hospital bed, with awful hospital pajamas on, and that Cory and Topanga were standing next to his bed right now. They had been spending all night in the hospital, and immediately came to Eric's room when they heard he was awake. They looked exhausted.

"So, how you feeling, bro'?" Cory tried to keep up a light, playful voice. He tried to produce a smile, but it got stuck before it could reach his face. "We came as soon as we heard you were taken to the hospital… So when we finally arrived – you wouldn't believe how much traffic still is on the highway at five am, by the way – but anyway, we arrived, and you were already sleeping like a baby!" He laughed weakly and punched Eric on the shoulder. His brother didn't even move.

Eric didn't hear a word of it. All he could hear were Jack's words, and that song he didn't knew.

"Eric…? Is- is that you?" 

_Sweet darling, you worry too much, my child_

_See the sadness in your eyes_

"Eric… Eric… I- I'm so scared…" 

_You are not alone in life_

Although you might think that you are "He hurt me so much, Eric… I- I don't want this anymore…" 

_So sorry your world is tumbling down_

_I will watch you through these nights_

_Rest your head and go to sleep_

All he could see was Jack's ash gray face, frozen, distorted out of pure terror. He still felt Jack's cold body in his arms, and the paralyzing fear that he wasn't going to make it.

"Eric, you okay?" Topanga asked with a small voice, placing a small hand on his shoulder.

"What? Jack?" Eric woke up from his nightmare, nerves on edge. He glanced at Topanga's hand resting on his shoulder, then looked up at her. He let out his breath. "I- I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"It's okay, Eric" Topanga replied softly. "Never mind about that. I just… I asked if you were okay, but obviously, you aren't." She paused. "It was a dumb question… considering what you've just been through with Jack. Take your time. We're here." She smiled a genuine smile, never taking her hand off Eric's shoulder, but he didn't even notice. Hearing Jack's name out loud brought him back to the real situation with a crash.

"H-how's Jack? Where is he - is he okay? Where did they take him? Why isn't he here?" All this questions rolled out of his mouth at once, as he grabbed Topanga's arm in confusion.

Cory slowly took a step forward. He carefully peeled Eric's hand off his wife's arm and took his hand firmly into his own. His voice trembled just a little when he tried to answer Eric's questions.

"Eric… Jack was brought to another hospital, in another town. He is… well, you know, he was trying to kill himself, and..."

Eric interrupted his brother. "Yeah, but I didn't let him, a-and he was okay after I… He was breathing and talking and laughing, and we even-" The sensation of Jack's lips on his, and the fire he felt inside of him, blocked the rest of his words with upcoming tears. "Is… is he…"

"No, Eric. He's not… dead, and he isn't going to die either. You saved him just in time. But - Jack's very confused right now… He needs time to recover, and to get things straight in his head. He needs all the help he can get," Cory replied.

"But why can't he do that here? With us? With me? I can help him. Why did they take him away from me…?" Eric's voice was now merely a whisper, tears starting to run down his face.

"I don't really know, Eric. All I know is that it's a place for severely traumatized people, and that they know exactly how to get Jack back on track in no time. They will take good care of him there – and, you know, he's not alone. Shawn and Angela raced down the mental… that hospital like madmen when they heard, and they promised us they will let us know exactly what is happening when they hear more. Okay?" Cory squeezed Eric's hand, a little awkward with his big brother breaking down like this. He didn't know where to look.

Topanga saw that her husband was feeling quite uncomfortable, and once again placed one hand on Eric's shoulder, while putting her other arm around Cory's waist.

"That's all we can tell you right now, because that's all we know too. But I promise you'll be the first one to know when we hear anything. Alright?"

Eric was still in a daze, confused why they took Jack away from him, when he felt like he was the only one who could truly help him. He nodded automatically. "Right. I'll hear from you. Look, I-I'm kinda tired…"

"Of course you are - you should try to catch some more sleep. We were told a doctor will drop by soon to ask you some questions about… what happened. It's best if you have a clear head," Topanga informed him. She bended over and placed a small kiss on his forehead. "Be better soon, okay?" Cory, still holding Eric's hand, shook it firmly and stiffly patted him on the shoulder.

"See you later, bro'." He turned around. With Topanga's arm still around his waist and her head resting on his shoulder, they walked out of the room. Eric watched them go with blurred eyes. He envied them.


	9. Apart Part III

He hadn't slept for one minute when the doctor arrived. It had seemed like hours, but the bliss of sleep hadn't come. Visions of Jack, all alone in a cold, sterile hospital bed, kept haunting him. He was supposed to be here, in his arms. He wasn't supposed to be _alone_ – it was the thing Eric knew he feared the most, because he had seen it in his eyes last night. Even more than the pain, the terror of the abuse and the hatred, it had been the loneliness that had grabbed him by the throat and nearly killed him in the end. Literally.

A sound at the far end of his bed startled him. "Jack?" was his first reaction, as he sat up and looked up from his hands to where the sound had come from. It appeared to be a middle-aged, gray-haired doctor in a long white coat, carrying a notebook under his arm.

"Well hello…" he paused to look at his notes. "Mister Matthews. How did you know my name? You must have very good eyes to read my tag from that distance." The doctor smiled and took a few steps alongside the bed. He reached out and shook the hand Eric had automatically held out to him when he introduced myself.

"I- I guess I do," Eric decided to go along with the doctor's assumption. He didn't seem to know the details about his situation, but it didn't even bother Eric. At least now he wouldn't have to explain the real reason why he had mentioned Jack's name out loud in the first place.

Doctor Jack let go of his hand and pulled in one of the seats standing next to the bed. He sat down and carefully selected a pen in his coat pocket. Then his eyes moved from the pen to Eric's eyes. He noticed they looked drained. Must have been a long shift.

"So, mister Matthews. I'm doctor Jack, and I am one of the psychiatrists at this hospital. Currently, you are at the Trauma sector of the hospital, where we will help you overcome the initial shock you suffered from experiencing such a… drastic event. Do you understand that, mister Matthews? Or may I call you…" he looked down at his notebook once again. "Eric?" It was obviously a speech the doctor had given at least a million times before.

Eric nodded reluctantly. "Whatever. As long as you don't call me patient 6-dot-537-slash-A, it's fine with me." The doctor laughed a somewhat artificial laugh, and Eric produced a stiff grin as well. He didn't feel comfortable.

"You seem to be a clever young man there, Eric. I hope you can answer my questions as clever as you did just now," doctor Jack said in a children's tone, as he flipped over a page in his notebook and wrote something down.

"So, did you sleep well last night?" Was that his first survey question, or was he only making small talk? Eric couldn't tell.

"F-fine, I guess. Had a few nightmares, about…" He couldn't bring himself to say his name again. Using Jack's name with this… this _sterile _person, carrying the same name, sitting next to him in his awful starch white coat, seemed utterly wrong to him. It felt like a insult to the real Jack. His Jack. The _only_ Jack.

"…about trains, and dark things, and rain," he ended his sentence instead. It wasn't even true. His sleep had been deep and empty, and he couldn't recall any dream at all. The doctor hummed though, nodded and wrote down Eric's answer. Then he sighed and mumbled something to himself in a tone as if he was about to discover something really important.

"So… How are you feeling right now?" doctor Jack continued. He looked up from his notebook, but only far enough to be able to stare at a brownish spot on the white sheets covering Eric's legs. Was this a serious question?

Eric was about to yell this man in his wrinkled face that he was feeling horrible, wrecked, like his heart had been crushed underneath that train last night! Right now, his Jack was all alone at some strange hospital, confused and scared, reliving all of the horrors of his youth that he believed he had finally come to grips with, after years of therapy and trying to build a better life for himself. He had tried to throw himself in front of a train last night! How despair had been blurring every fragment of common sense he had left…

Eric was the only one who had seen the deepest, darkest place of his soul, and so he knew he was the only one who could help him. But this man wouldn't understand. He didn't care. He was just _doing his job_.

So his anger faded and made place again for the apathetic void he had been feeling before, since he had been awake. Everything seemed empty and insignificant.

"Not too well," Eric answered with a flat voice. "Just sadness, anger… and I'm scared."

The doctor nodded deeply and let out a couple of 'ahas' and 'hmm-hmms', while writing furiously in his notebook. He still didn't look up far enough to face Eric. He was creating a distance. Eric felt it. The man just didn't care at all. Well, if that was the case, then Eric wasn't going to care either.

"And why do you think you feel that way?" What was this supposed to be? A session by dr. Phil? A new Oprah episode? The man clearly didn't do his homework. He didn't seem to know a thing about what Jack had gone through last night, and why Eric was being hospitalized afterwards. Eric wanted this conversation to be over with just as much as the doctor seemingly wanted it to end.

"I feel sad and angry because my friend was trying to do something to himself that he didn't deserve at all." This time, Eric spoke the truth, but he kept it very general and tried to stay as vague as possible. He couldn't even elaborate more – somewhere between his heart, his mind and his mouth, his true feelings were blocked. There was only emptiness.

The doctor wrote down some more remarks in his notebook as he asked Eric a couple of other questions. Eric's answers to them were just as indistinct as the queries, and the doctor left within half an hour.

He shook Eric's hand firmly and glanced at him for just one brief moment. "Thank you for your cooperation…" He looked down at his notebook once more. "…Eric Matthews. I think you are ready to go home and get this past you. Please drop by our reception to make an appointment for another counseling session next week, okay? It's at the end of this hall, at your right. And if you think you still need more counseling…" He let go of Eric's hand and took a small card out of his coat pocket. "…here's a number you can call to make an extra appointment, or to get advice right away. Or just if you need anything. It's free, by the way," the doctor concluded with a bright smile.

Eric couldn't even bring himself to smile again. He took the card. "Right. Thank you."

Doctor Jack walked away with a rigid pace. Eric made sure that the doctor was out of sight, before he ripped up the card up into a thousand tiny pieces.


	10. Apart Part IV

The days passed by in one big blur. Eric only remember flashes. A nurse softly getting him out of the hospital bed and guiding him to Cory and Topanga; the drive back home; the apartment, hollow and empty at his return; the visits from Shawn and Angela – even Rachel came to check up on him briefly one afternoon. He never made the appointment for the counseling. It did nothing to him.

_I can hear you say my name_

_I can almost see your smile_

_Feel the warmth of your embrace_

_But there is nothing but silence now_

The song kept skipping in his head, the same lines - over and over again. It didn't even irritate him. It did nothing to him.

The one time he has asked about Jack, Topanga had told him that he couldn't go see him right now. Jack was still very confused and he wasn't quite ready to be around too many people, she told him. Eric had said he didn't understand – he could help him, he knew what Jack was going through, he had seen it in his eyes. But Topanga only looked at him with a sorry, painful stare and absent-mindedly stroked his hair. The next time, she told him the exact same thing. After that, he didn't ask her again, although Jack's image never left his thoughts.

He felt how his brother and the rest were starting to get worried over him, so he put up a façade to his friends. He developed a daily ritual – getting the mail, shoving it underneath his bed, eating a cracker for breakfast, leaving the apartment for school – where he never arrived – and spending the evening listening to the radio, eating whatever leftovers Cory and Topanga had brought him, or usually just sleeping in Jack's bed. Once in every few days he cleaned up the apartment, by dusting the things that would look suspicious if they were undusted, and sweeping the spots on the floor that would look suspiciously dirty if he didn't clean them up.

Days became a week, a week became a month, months, and still no one seemed to really notice his emptiness. He felt how the void in his heart ate away his thoughts, his feelings and words. That little monster inside had eaten all of his energy, the light and the smile on his face. Every step was a burden, every spoken word a flash of pain.

And the song kept playing.

_Never thought_

_This day would come so soon_

_We had no time to say goodbye_

_How can the world just carry on?_

_I feel so lost when you are not by my side_

_But there's nothing but silence now_


	11. Apart Part V

"He's _not _okay, Cory. Can't you see? He's holding up for us, trying to make us believe he's dealing with it fine. But_ he's not_! Don't you see how he always cleans up the same parts of the house? And why did the administration of his university call us? _Us_? His brother and sister-in-law! And didn't you notice how skinny he has become? He's barely eating! This is going to be his end, Cory! We _have _to do something!" Eric could hear Topanga's voice clearly through the thin kitchen wall. He only listened with half an ear.

"Look, Topanga, I know! I've already asked him what we should do to help him, but he says he's just fine! He's an adult, we can't force him to do anything. If he doesn't want help, what can we do?" Topanga sighed.

Cory continued, more quietly. "Exactly, nothing. So, he has lost some weight-"

"-a lot of weight-," Topanga interrupted.

"So, he's lost a lot of weight – but that's all. There's nothing more to been seen. He's simply _not an emergency_, Topanga - don't you get it? No one is going to take him away for examination, unless he wants to himself. It's all inside his head!"

"But he is _dying_, Cory! Why didn't the doctors warn us for this? Look, I'm not a doctor or even a nurse, but even _I_ can see that he's experiencing severe trauma right now. This is some kind of shock, and without professional help, he's not going to make it." Eric heard how Topanga's voice trembled, on the verge of tears.

Cory sighed. "I'll talk to him again, see if I can talk him into it. Okay?" he answered gently, and Eric could imagine him hushing into his wife's hair, pulling her close.

"Okay." Topanga paused and sighed again. "Why doesn't Jack just-"

"I don't know, Topanga. I wish I did. Really. But I think we have to respect his decision. He's going through a very rough time. And besides, he _is_ sending those letters, right?" The rest of the conversation was too soft for Eric to hear.

A few moments later, husband and wife entered the living room, where Eric was sitting at the dinner table. Topanga smiled faintly at Eric and squeezed his shoulder as she passed by him, trying to hide her red eyes from him at the same time.

"I'll be waiting inside the car, okay?" she said to Cory. Then she took her coat and quickly disappeared through the door.

Cory sat himself down at the opposite side of the table, facing his brother. "Eric, I-"

"Never mind, bro'. Heard it all. Look, I don't need your help. I know you think I'm not over this, but really, _I am_. It's… it's just that - I miss him, and I have to get used to him not being around and stuff. I'll be fine. Promise." Eric tried to look as sincere as possible, and he even managed to produce a smile.

Cory decided to try one last time. "Eric, I really think you should go see someone. Even though it's just for a one-time check. Here," He pulled out a note and unfolded it. "I got this address from a doctor at the hospital I called yesterday. It's a counseling service, and I really think they could help you. Just-just call them or something. Okay?"

Eric sighed. "Okay," he replied, as he took the note from his brother.

"Promise?" Eric grabbed Cory's hand over the table and shook it firmly.

"Promise. Now beat it," Eric grinned and shooed Cory out of the apartment.

The note landed right on top of the pile of unopened envelopes underneath his bed.

One day, Shawn came to visit Eric alone. Besides some mutual small-talk, Shawn did all the serious talking. Eric was staring at the wall in front of him, not really listening, lost in his own thoughts. After a good half hour, as Shawn was starting to run out of subjects, Eric suddenly turned his head and interrupted him in the middle of a sentence.

"Why can't I see Jack?"

Shawn stopped, and took a deep breath. Eric noticed how he tried very hard to avoid looking Eric in the eyes. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, like a fish on dry land. Nothing came out.

"Shawn, look at me." Shawn stared down at his hands, clasped together. "Shawn! Look at me! Why can't I see Jack? Why is everyone avoiding his name? Why don't I hear anything about him? What's happening? Is he out of the hospital already?"

Shawn ran a hand through his hear and sighed.

"I have to know _something_! SHAWN!" Eric grabbed his shirt, yelling at his face. Finally, Shawn looked up with a look twisted by pain in his eyes.

"Jack… Jack doesn't want to see you," he whispered.

"What?" Eric paused for a moment, trying to let the words sink in. "What are you saying? Why? Why doesn't he want to see us? What's wrong?" Eric's face was all confusion and disbelief.

Shawn cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Eric, listen." Shawn turned around fully and looked deep into Eric's eyes, to make sure he would get it. "Jack doesn't want to see _you_. Only you. We've already been there a couple of times, he's… been doing much better lately. But… he- he told us he doesn't want to see you. You confuse him. He said that himself… He said it'd be best if you didn't see him for a long time. He has to sort so many things out, Eric. You were _there_, that night. If you visit him now, you would probably bring back all the pain and the memories. And I think… I think he feels guilty for putting you in danger like he did… You know?"

Eric just stared at him, with a hint of pain starting to ooze through. Shawn continued, still hesitantly.

"You see, he told us what happened. How you- how you saved him that night. It was just in time. If it wasn't the train, it would have been the cold that killed him… He was hypothermic, the doctors told us. You did the right thing by keeping him warm, and protected, and-" He paused. As he continued, Shawn's voice broke into a whisper. "I almost _lost_ my brother. You _saved _him. You saw his pain. That's- that's just too intense for him too cope with right now." A tear rolled down his cheek, and Shawn hastily brushed it away with a slight groan. He breathed deeply. "Look, Eric, I'm _so_ sorry. I- I'll talk to him again, okay? See if-"

He couldn't even finish his sentence. Eric got up without a word, grabbed his keys from the table and darted out of the door, leaving Shawn flabbergasted. He didn't hear Shawn screaming his name down the stairs a moment later. All the way, running down, the only thing he heard was that one sentence.

_Jack doesn't want to see you._

_Only you._

_Only you._

_Only you._

_Only you._

_Only you._

_Only you…_


	12. Apart Part VI

High sounds still startled him. Sometimes he even jumped aside when he heard a bird sing a long high tone, or when he heard a kettle whistle, or stone scraping on stone. Bright lights still reminded him of the headlights of the train, attacking them as they had stood on the railroad track. But that was only occasionally. It was that song that haunted him every minute of every day and every night. The song was the worst.

_Never thought_

_This day would come so soon_

_We had no time to say goodbye_

_How can the world just carry on?_

_I feel so lost when you are not by my side_

_But there's nothing but silence now_

_Around the one I loved_

_Is this our farewell?_

Jack couldn't remember exactly when he had heard it, but it had been some time after the train had passed by.

The words and the melody kept bringing back the same fragments of his memory he had left from that night. Running endlessly, till he had thought that his lungs where going to explode in his chest, and unexpectedly ending up at the railroad track. His sudden decision to take the easiest way out. Then jumping onto the track. The cold.

The cold, that had numbed him, frozen his feelings and his thoughts. It had been bliss, as he had felt how his consciousness had dazed away into the endless night, leaving all of the pain that was his life behind. Rags of memory of the dark night and the rain were stringing together into a long chain of ecstasy. He had known it would be over in a second – the sound of an incoming train had reached his ears, and his brain was trying to process what that meant.

And then there was Eric. He didn't remember much of what had happened after that, but the next thing that was still very clear to him, was Eric's body lying on top of his. His warmth, his eyes, his lips…

And that's where Jack flinched every time.

One minute he was so sure it had really happened – the next, it all seemed like a dream. Back and forth, back and forth. Had he been hallucinating, driven crazy by the cold? Or did they really…? He didn't know. He really did not know. And the only person that could tell him, was Eric.

But he was too afraid to see him, talk to him, touch him. Not even because it would bring back memories of that night, or of what drove him to do it – he had been over that with the doctors and therapists time and time again. That was something he could _handle_ by now. That was finally truly a part of his life, a place that he could let be.

He was just so damn afraid of what might happen with Eric on _another level_.

What if he asked Eric about the night, and it appeared to have been a dream after all? Eric would be either disgusted, or mad, or disappointed. In any way, it would destroy the closeness of their friendship forever. He couldn't risk losing Eric. Never.

And what if it were true, but it had been a mistake? That would be even more awkward, and the embarrassment would stand in their way, wiping out their friendship as well. He would lose either way. Because it couldn't have been what he wanted it to be.

So he had told the others how it would be better if he didn't see Eric in a while, although he wanted nothing more badly right now than to see him, talk to him, touch him, feel every inch of him nearby. All he could do right now was send letters. Superficial, but still. Something to let Eric know that this wasn't the end. Just until he had sorted things out.


	13. Apart Part VII

He estimated it had been at least six hours since he had left the apartment. Six hours of confusion, loose thoughts and endless stumbling along sidewalks. The sun had begun to disappear already. And eventually, the sidewalks had disappeared as well as he wondered out of the city. The sound of cars and trucks racing past him had lessened while walking further down some bumpy, unmetalled road, but he didn't even notice.

Tears where streaming down Eric's face. He didn't feel them. He wasn't even looking ahead, his eyes pointed just an inch away from his dragging feet, not seeing the little dust curls whirl around with every step he took. The tears blinded him from seeing anything, and with more tears came less feeling, until he felt completely numb.

Only his lips where burning, desperately trying to hold onto the memory of that one kiss they shared.

_But there is nothing but silence now_

_Around the one I loved_

_Is this our farewell?_

Life without Jack was no life at all.

"Hi," a soft voice came from behind his back. He turned around fast, recognizing it immediately, just a little surprised.

"Rachel… Hi. You're here, and… alone. How are you?" Jack smiled faintly, getting up from the wooden bench he'd been sitting on.

Rachel took two steps towards him, then hesitated. Her hand hung mid-air between herself and Jack's shoulder. A soft breeze lifted some strands of her hair. "I- I wanted to talk to you… alone. You know? No Cory and Topanga doing all the talking. You know how they can get sometimes when they're together." She rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, I know. It's good that you came alone. There have been so things on my mind for a day or two now, too. We really need to talk about…"

"…us," Rachel ended with a smile. Her hand continued it's movement and rested on Jack's shoulder. She took one step closer, so that her chest was almost touching his. Her hand moved up just enough to brush his cheek ever so lightly.

"Yes, we do." Jack brought his hand up to touch Rachel's skin as well, but now he was the one who stopped mid-air. This was just an old habit. Her touch no longer made his cheeks blush, or butterflies dancing around in his stomach. It didn't even make him long back to the way things were once upon a time. He dropped his hand, as he realized something.

"It's over, Rach," he whispered as she brought her lips to his. Rachel pulled back her head with one swift movement. Her smile vanished like snow in the sun.

"Wh-what?" she stuttered. Her eyes examined his unsteadily, with disbelief and a hint of panic. He just kept staring into them, until his words had really sunken in. After a moment, she seemed to regain herself and that big bright smile he once loved about her flashed back onto her face.

"What do you mean? I know that it _was _over…" she exaggerated the last word. "But since you're almost ready to leave this place… I thought… that maybe we could make a fresh start?" Her hand cupped his chin and pulled him close again.

"I don't think you heard me, Rachel. It is _over_. It _was_ over, it's _still _over and it's never gonna _stop_ being over. We're done." He gently removed her hand and pushed it back towards her chest. "We… we simply don't _work_ together, anymore. That's what I have been thinking about lately, Rach. How the past is so different from the future."

"But- Jack… We were-" Rachel spoke softly, desperately. A tear started to roll down her cheek. Jack interrupted her.

"That's right. We _were_. We _were_ great together. We _were_ going to live together. We _were_ in love." He emphasized every 'were', never breaking eye contact or letting go of her hand. "I know this sounds way too corny for you - and I know you never liked corny," he added with a smile. Rachel rolled her eyes again and chuckled in spite of herself.

"You are a beautiful woman, Rach. Maybe we could have been, but that's different from _being_. You deserve someone that really loves you, that will go for you 200 percent. Someone who you can call in the any time of the day, when you can't find your hair curlers, or when you can't find the book you were reading, or simply when you need to talk to someone… You need someone that will return everything that you will give him. And I know I can't anymore."

Nothing moved for a few seconds. Only the sun was slowly moving closer to the horizon. Finally, Rachel let out a deep sigh, sniffed and wiped away her tears with one hand. Then she raised it once again to Jack's face, cupped his chin and tenderly kissed him on his cheek.

"Remember how that night when we broke up, I accused you of being in love with someone else?" Her lips were now mere inches away from his ear. Jack nodded reluctantly.

"Well," Rachel continued softly. "Later on, I thought that I must had been wrong. Because who could it be? Right?"

Jack's eyes wondered to the ground. He didn't want to hear this.

_I can hear you say my name_

_I can almost see your smile_

_Feel the warmth of your embrace_

"But now… Hearing you say all these words… _I think I_ _know_." The last words were barely a whisper. Rachel stepped back, letting her hand rest on his shoulder for the last time. She smiled at him, a genuine smile.

"Thank you for being so honest with me, Jack. And I'll get over it. Don't worry about that." She paused for a minute, seemingly pondering a thought. "But maybe you ought to worry about something else. Or some_one_ else. Hmmm?"

Finally, she broke all physical contact and started to walk out of the small garden, leaving Jack with the hardest decision to make in his life.

But in the end, as the last rays of sun had vanished from the garden, it was easy.


	14. The Beginning

Someway, somehow, he had ended up at the front door of the apartment again. He didn't know how many hours he had been walking through the dark night. He couldn't remember exactly when he had started crawling, like a drunk. And then, suddenly, there was that familiar door again. The door Jack had used that night to walk out on his life.

He managed to get on his feet, and wearily searched his pockets for the keys. His hand shook as he tried to put the right key in the lock. It took him another three shots to turn it and push the door open far enough to stumble through. He reached for the light switch, but his arm didn't want to cooperate. Then he noticed that the lights were already on. He looked up.

_In my hands _

_A legacy of memories_

_I can hear you say my name_

"Eric?"

_I can almost see your smile_

_Feel the warmth of your embrace_

_But there is nothing but silence now_

From one moment to the next, he was standing in front him, smiling his brilliant shy smile, putting his arms around him. Eric couldn't say a word. He just gazed at the sight of the person in front of him, frozen in disbelief and fear.

This was just another dream.

Maybe he was really lying out on the streets somewhere, hallucinating from the cold; or in his own bed really, and this was just all a dream, one big bad ugly horrifying fantastic amazing dream.

_Sweet darling, you worry too much, my child_

_See the sadness in your eyes_

_You are not alone in life_

_Although you might think that you are_

"It's me, Eric," Jack whispered. "Don't worry, I'm here. I should have come earlier, but I just… I couldn't." He cleared his throat and rested his forehead against Eric's. "But I'm here now."

Eric just gazed, still speechless.

_I feel so lost when you are not by my side_

_But there's nothing but silence now_

_Around the one I loved_

"I'm here now – and this is just the beginning."


End file.
